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Saturday, November 11, 2006
9:02 AM

Saturday morning. Feeling rather sleepy.

Went to school, rushed to school, actually, before 8.00AM, because the clarinetists were supposedly going to have masterclass. Sax was supposed to be there as well, so Lizzy tottered down with the key.

Called Karyn, and found out that masterclass was cancelled because today in all technicalities, isn't a band day.

Gosh...
This morning was one of those days where you can choose to react in only two ways. Get really, really pissed off that you had to climb out of bed at 7.00AM on a Saturday morning for no good reason, rushing your mom to fetch you to school and realize that there's nobody outside the bandroom and that your flurry of morning activity had all been for naught or realize that there isn't any point in being pissed off at all.

Let's just say, that no human being with any semblance of selfish emotions could ever possibly not feel the irritation boiling in one's chest when you've spent an entire week waking up early to go to school and find out that you've done the same on your weekend morning for nothing.

So there I was, starting to feel the frustrated anger simmering in my chest. And I know I'm pissed when I can feel it hammering rudely in my chest, because it hardly ever happens. Was tired, annoyed, feeling silly as I walked out of school 3 minutes after I hurriedly strided in.

It was one of those moments that all you wanted to do was to message your special one to COMPLAIN in big bold letters about the injustice of it all, to allow the sympathy of another to aid in justifying your need to be angry. I whipped out my phone, sent a curt message to Sarah, the other saxist, that if she was coming, which I don't think she was, that she should promptly not come. And then, prepared to type out a colourful mesh of descriptives to express my ardent irritation at that current point of time and send it to Jason.

I paused, staring at the blank, white screen with the blinking cursor blinking expectantly at me. Then a feeling crept up from my gut, the feeling you get when you know what you should be doing, could be doing, and ought to be doing because you were behaving like a silly ninny.

"Shouldn't you come to me instead?"
Said the voice of reason.

I sighed, knowing full well that even in messaging Jason I would find no relief from my anger, and continuing to dwell on it would only serve to tighten the irritated knot in my chest that screamed for justice to be served. So away went the phone, and I just started to pray in tongues, talking to God in a language that only he need know. In times like these, it often isn't easy to find the right words to splutter out to Jesus, other than possibly - "AUGHHHHH."

The choice was mine, how to react, how to behave in a situation as such.

Now, I could have very easily, allowed my anger to overwhelm me, and grouch frumpily surrounding myself with a foul aura so much so that anyone within a 5 metre radius of me wouldn't even dare crossing the thick goop of animosity that would exist between me and the rest of the world, but, whatever for?

Was it going to change the fact that I already was in school? Would it buy me back the sleep I lost from having woken up at that hour? It always amuses me when we (as human beings who enjoy complaining about virtually everything, and as Singaporeans who find more than just virtually everything to complain about) say things like "I could have slept in. I could have done this, and that, and whatever." Well. You could have. But now you can't, can you?

It's not as though nursing the grousing sentiments in my chest would have changed the fact that I was already sitting in the busstop waiting for Mom to make a jolly good u-turn to come pick me up, and that I had wasted a good hour of my time and whatnot. Now that, is a bloody good waste of even more time.

So I just sat there, ignoring the morning marketing mill of aunties and uncles praying in tongues because I could feel the pounding in my chest and even though I was pissed and tired, I knew somewhere deep in the recesses of my being that there wasn't much of a point in continuing to be so. I just leaned back, into God's embrace, in this half-wail of "Boo hoo. Jesus, I'm in school at 8.00AM, I can't do anything about it, so just let me calm down fast, because you are Lord over my time, and whatever time I have is blessed by you, and I know you're the only one I can look to for comfort right now, and I'm glad you're always, always there for me at each and every moment especially now."

I know He's always there for me, I have friends, I have Jason, but I know full well that at 8.00AM all these people aren't quite going to cut it because if I was woken up by someone in a foul mood at this ungodly hour on a Saturday morning with such an enthusiastically spiteful greeting, I doubt it'll do very much for my day as well. I'm glad I have them, and I know I need them, but above them, well I'm thankful, and they should be too, that I have God, because it means that I won't be waking them up at 8.00AM in the morning to the sound of Lizzy's gutteral choking noises.

Just spent time with my Abba, it's not as though I wasn't angry, because I will say it again, that I was. I wasn't angry with anyone specifically, in moments like these fault pointing becomes secondary in the moaning pangs of "Good God what did I come to school for?"

Just prayed, just reached out to God, just reached out to the one who is always, always, always with me and never leaves me because that was the only thing I could do with all the pounding and almost irrational, anger blinded emotions that were coursing through my brain. And He comforted me, He calmed me down, He just held me and said "There, there." when I needed it.

And it was over almost as fast as it began.
By the time Mom came, having driven by East Coast to get herself some McD's for breakfast, my brain had started functioning almost sanely again. Almost - because sanity is quite often lost on me. Though these days, since the inception of my junior college education, sanity has become quite a good, good friend. =[

The slow wiles of maturity is taking it's toll on this I don't wanna grow up! teenager.
In a few months I'll be 18. Oh zeh horror~

Time passes so fast when you're having fun.

So, getting back to my little morning adventure, I just calmed down, by the grace of God. I believe it to be supernatural because it's so easy to completely blow up and start rampaging everything as though the world owes you a living. And even if you manage to rationalize everything and you know that sometimes your insides are telling you the simple truth and you know that there isn't a point in being pissed off but you still are.

It takes God to deal with that. Man can try by his own efforts, but that is so utterly pitiful compared to what God can do. Man can will himself to calm down, grit his teeth and bite his tongue until it bleeds, but with God, it's so easy. You don't even have to try. Looking to God doesn't have to be hard, it doesn't need 10 steps and a ladder made of broken glass to climb.

I just fell into his embrace, and He caught me, and He laughed in his bemused way at me, and then with me, I could almost feel Him smiling jokingly at me when I started to think and looked back on the entire situation and laughed along with it.

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

Sometimes you don't really need to have things completely sorted out for you just to be able to smile, crack a grin, laugh.

I wish I had the fluency to put into words how indescribable it is to have Jesus.
But that would never be enough to give justice to Him. (:


AND.. there's SLC tomorrow.
I need to go pack a bag. Hmm.
Maybe I'll bring my big bimbo pink duffle. Hee.
2 comments.

 adora said

you know something? i didn't actually realise that there's a blinking cursor in the messaging area!! i even checked to confirm! HAH!

What a revelation. I thought only computers had blinking cursors.

12:07 AM  

 benjamin said

silly girl you (:

2:33 PM  

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Thursday, November 09, 2006
12:14 AM

8.00AM on a Friday morning. My throat feels overwhelmed by cream right now. Sis bought me a green tea Swiss roll from BreadTalk and I never thought I'll ever feel riched out by anything from BreadTalk. Bleaagh.. It was a good Swiss roll.

OP yesterday. I guess PW has been, by the grace of God, generally more painless for me than it has been for some others. So it being over doesn't bring as great a sense of relief to my senses as it does for some other people I know.

Ernie's party yesterday, as well. Dude has a beautiful house, though the entire evening I couldn't help but feel a bit of guilt and pity for him, for reasons that were not his doing in any way. He was a brilliant host, and so was his mom.

Heard this song while I was out with Jason yesterday. Don't you just love these oldies? Back in the days before angst took over the airwaves in suffocating droves. Even such lamentful sentiments could be expressed so cheerfully. =x



Each night I ask the stars up above,
Why must I be a teenage in love?
- Bobby Darin, Why Must I Be A Teenager In Love

*beams.*

Took the ColorQuiz yesterday.
And these are my hilarious results.

---
LIZZY!'s Existing Situation
Having difficulty in standing up to the demands imposed on her. Finds a great effort is involved and wishes to have the situation eased.

LIZZY!'s Stress Sources
An existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory, but she feels unable to improve it without willing cooperation. Unwilling to expose her vulnerability and therefore considers it inadvisable to display affection or to be over-demonstrative. She regards the relationship as a depressing tie but, although she wants to be independent and unhampered, she does not want to risk losing anything. All this leads her to react touchily and with impatience, while the urge to 'get away from it all' results in considerable restlessness. The ability to concentrate may suffer.
HAHAHA.

LIZZY!'s Restrained Characteristics
Feels listless, hemmed in, and anxious; considers that circumstances and forcing her to restrain her desires. Wants to avoid open conflict with others and to have peace and quiet.
Yeah yeah, peace and quiet I like. I do not have restrained desires thankyouverymuch. At least I didn't get Soefie's "Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity." part. LOL.

LIZZY!'s Desired Objective
Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming. Longs for interesting and exciting things to happen and wants to be admired for her charm.

LIZZY!'s Actual Problem
Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced stress. She feels misunderstood, disoriented, and unsettled. This drives her into a search for new conditions or relationships, in the hope that these might offer greater contentment and peace of mind.
Oh so now I have a problem? Lol.

LIZZY!'s Actual Problem #2
Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.
---

Aha. Such you take with a tablespoon full of salt and stop trying to find ways to fit your situation into what these quizzes virtually say about everyone else.

But still can't help being amused by Soef's. HA. Some of it, that is.
This, for one.
"Sentimental and yearns for a romantic tenderness."
Aha ha ha. It's all that marriage talk you've been unconsciously doing girl! You seeee. We knew it all along. =x

And now, time to go for band.
FareWELL.

insert enigmatic parting line here the way Von seems to enjoy doing. LOL.

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Tuesday, November 07, 2006
10:27 PM

"You're not an OGL? Oh.. You look like the type who would be one."

Hah. Eat my pom-pom dust.

Ironic how I was the one who semi-dragged the rest of the class to sign up and I piss an asshole off enough to not be allowed to be one.

As a general rule of thumb I wouldn't give two hoots about it, but just thinking of how many people I'll be left with come Week 1 next year is rather depressing and PMS (a jolly good excuse to feel emo, methinks) isn't helping the situation.

Even Soefie has gone off to Games sub-comm, as amusing as the thought of Soefie participating actively in any TJ event is. Glad she's finally settled in to the TJ lull though, good on you girl. =)

But yes. I guess I shall be a good Lizzy, and stay in class dutifully taking down notes for everyone and laughing secretly at the mental image of Neff doing mass dance.

In any case, that gives me a bit of leeway to visit AC again, ahem. Or something.


Been spending most of my past two days watching money fly towards paying for tins upon tins of paint and slathering said fluid over 5 metres of black cloth. Also involuntarily getting bits of me waxed off removing multiple layers of cloth off my pretty skin.

Yay. I love band.
And the rest of the people I spend squatting over the banner in the dust and grime engulfed 'banner painting corner' with. (DO YOU KNOW... how pathetically small the corner has become since they took two-thirds of it to build another chemistry lab for the TA students... and those huge tables take up such unneccesary space.) As well as the few odd guys who stay cooped up in the band room doing the J2 presents in their bid to, as far as possible, not have to go near the banner.

Raaah. SLC from this coming Sunday to Tuesday.
Gym mats probably house whole eco-systems on their own.
Hope Justin put at least one person in my group whom I actually know.
Wot on earth are we going to do I cannot help but wonder.

Oh WELL.
Life goes on.
More band.
Sometimes it's lovely to have a purpose for designing stuff.

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Monday, November 06, 2006
10:06 PM

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive
-Jason Mraz, You and I Both



Words.
Unspoken words.

God, only You can understand my silence.

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Saturday, November 04, 2006
11:15 PM

"I can't wait to spend 240 hours with you! Ah ah! You can be my photographer!"
-Nicholas CHUA, disrupting the awe-filled wonder of my semi-comatosed senses as I exited from the Esplanade Concert Hall after listening to St. Petersburg Philharmonic Orchestra this evening.

"JC life, I'm realizing, is just a tad stifling. For myself anyhow. I realize all of a sudden, for example, that I'm reinventing myself less and less. The idiosyncratic explorations of human misconception and the infinite ways in which to abuse English seem to have, not reached it's limit, but been smothered, as it were, by the heavy hand of practicality and a dreadful need for the succinct. To be effusive, it seems, as a constant characteristical trait, is a prime way to be shunned. It's destabilizing, apparently. And I unfortunately have to agree. The short and the clear are what this country needs. Not the unnecessarily long and the needlessly extravagant. More's the pity."
-Ben CHOW. Yes, all that came in one sms that brought a grin to my face during band today. This is everything I myself wish to say but found incapable (already) of doing so, but of course, in his words.


More about St. Petersburg. It was lovely. The playing was heavenly. I had never heard such beautiful horns in my life. Never such a creamy, rich tone from a bassoon, such clear, bright tone from the trumpets. The oboe. The strings. The flutes. It was fabulous.

However. Liz has to admit her lack of appreciation for symphonies that last 43 minutes.
But the playing was still omg. I will probably never hear Rachmaninov's Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini played this well, or the Russian dance from the Nutcracker that they did for their second encore either. BAGUS!

EVEN though we missed the first piece because Sis saw it as 8.00PM instead on 7.30PM again.

Speaking of the Sister, she's currently awaiting ownership of the system.

And therefore..
Out!

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Thursday, November 02, 2006
10:14 AM

Truth

You search for something you cannot find
And yearn for that which you cannot get
You wonder why you're searching still
And wait for the day that you will regret

Regret having ever, ever searched
For something so unattainable
Because to get what you've wanted for so long
Is virtually impossible

And then you ask yourself - in a bemused sort of way
"Why did I chose this path?"
Because deep inside you knew the truth -
That it would never last.

You failed to see the gravity
In making this decision
Because you didn't want to be the one
Who causes the division

So here you are again, just knowing -
That man will always fail
And all he does can't satisfy
Though done out of good will

And even as you write this
You see questions in their eyes
Because they still don't understand -
This is how you live your life.

Lizzy
02 Nov '06

And, just found some of my old excuses for poetry. Although right now I think it would be more apt to call them 'Teenage Angst in Rhyme'.

Also found some old MSN logs, which answers the question I've been offhandedly wondering lately: Did Kit always speak proper English on MSN because he's been doing a lot of that recently....

The answer, AHA! Is undoubtably NO. *beams*
Hahax.
...
Okay okay I was no better either. HAHA. How time has passed and we have (THANKFULLY) grown...

And after careful searching I find literally no decent excuses for anything I have written in the past to ever see the light of day again. Such hate and anger in those words. Oh the wiles of teenage angst. :D


Now, on to the Ponderings that I had mused absently to myself over the last couple of days, Ponderings that may be blog-worthy.

For example, Ponderings 1 and 2 concurrently occured when I was taking a bus into town a few days ago. And if I may add as a subpoint, Pondering 0.5.

0.5 was an inward groan that went along the lines of "Why do I always choose to sit here when what I will then most commonly be faced with is Another One of Those Couples?"

But it struck me that Bus 36, being Bus 36, was always quite literally filled by the time it got to the bus stop (outside the late Maryland Park which is no longer Maryland Park) I boarded from, and by that time, one normally has little choice but to sit in the first seat one comes to upon boarding - the parallel ones that face each other near the driver.

And now, Pondering 1 was entirely irksome. WHY, someone tell me.. WHY do some girls want to have short hair AND go to ridiculous means to pin everything up, resulting in a poor excuse for a pony tail that is about the width of knitting thread, after having stuck enough pins in their head to do brain surgery with and STILL have hair messily engulfing every inch of their face, ears and neck, which, excuse me, defeats the purpose of having ATTEMPTED to tie up their hair in the first place. *BREATHES*

Yes. Sorry, pet peeve.

And Pondering 2 is a reference to the girl in question, quite cheerfully joined at the hip to her boyfriend, contentedly cuddly in their seats, shining examples in their school uniforms (from A Premier Institution in the East, no less) and after a bit of mindless banter, the girl throwing a mini tandrum because he wouldn't kiss her. And hence, the invisible face palming on Lizzy's end as she wondered how she ended up facing them and spending most of the journey averting the sight of them rather unsuccessfully.

And also a panicky point of reflection as she considered her own state of emotional attachment and whether this was what went through the minds of anyone who have had the misfortune of sitting across us at any point in time.

Don't you just love it when you have to eat your words? I wonder how they go down, like a sandy beach or bitter ointment. Poison to your throat and redfaced shame to your cheeks.

All the world's a stage. And all the men and women merely players.


Edit 11.23AM.
OMG. NICKY.
WHAT HAVE YOU DOOONE? =X

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Wednesday, November 01, 2006
12:20 PM

These days I find little space in my imagination for verbosity. If you do wish to befriend a dictionary and improve your comprehension of I-didn't-know-they-existed! words, let me direct you to Laura, whose vocabulary covers so much ground it would exhaust me just trying to explore the entirety of it all..

Found myself somehow following the tide to Velvet Underground last evening for a little poetry slamming. And for laughable reasons do not wish to elaborate on certain scenes that greeted us there during the course of the evening.

Before that though, Mitha, Neff, Shik and I managed to get into The Departed. They thought it was brilliant. I thought it was okay, maybe because I knew the plot. But it was a well-executed, well-made Anglophile Hollywood adaptation of Infernal Affairs.

Leonardo DiCaprio did a good job looking scared, troubled and angsty through the whole show, his eyes a perpetual runny sort of red. Matt Damon was the surefire, cocky bastard. The ending sent Shik and Mitha into applause, much to the chargin of the rest of the cinema, aka the adults who were wondering what these four clowns were doing watching a show that featured so many profanities, if it were to be censored, it would have virtually been a silent movie.

"You beeping beeeep beeeeep beeeep, you beeping don't beeep beeep beeeeping."

It was a nice day.
Mmhmm.

And there were other things I wanted to blog about, things that had little to do with what transpires in the enviably laidback state of my current existence.

But I guess that'll have to wait till band is out.

Time to give saxy some lovin'.

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Lizzy (04/02); student, teacher, saxophonist, graphic designer, writer, child of God.

Loves God, green tea frap and peanut butter cups. :D

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