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Wednesday, June 22, 2005
10:17 PM

*peers at books*

Shan't be expecting top grades for the upcoming Block CAs, which are mostly, in my humble opinion, a scam meant to ignite sadistic pleasure in the shrivelled hearts of dissatisfied teachers to watch students slog away what has been deceiving termed 'Holidays' just to achieve something that honestly, we don't really want.

Haven't been studying much. If at all. I'm not some genius with an IQ of 130 or something. Very flattering that some of think that I could actually survive without mugging, but I'm am very much human as well you know. Grades don't come served on a silver platter. XP

Hmmm.

Wanted to blog about the old lady at the busstop this morning. *Thinks*
Yeah.
Left the house late as usual, this morning. I've mostly lost all sense of punctuality and am pretty much regularly minimally late for band (by >15 mins) these days. So, there I was, minding my own business at the busstop this morning, when this really old lady, possibly past her seventies, walked over with her husband. Her face was a familiar one, for we had chanced upon each other's existence at the very same busstop a couple of times prior to today, and for some reason she would always smile at me and make idle chat for no apparent reason whatsoever, regardless of whether there were other people present at the busstop with whom she could converse with.

Well, today she came up to me, smiling that jovial, trusting smile of hers and told me in her raspy voice that she was ill, and her husband was taking her to Changi Hospital because her asthma had recently taken a toll on her health and breathing was a tedious chore for her. Then she went on to speak of more mundane things such as her schooling, and mine. And a word of knowing advice that I should work hard and do well for my exams because if I don't, other people will look down on me, yadda yadda...

And then the conversation switched back to her health. In all the brief moments I have spent talking to her, I never once mentioned my Christianity, but she brought hers up anyway. Chuckling amicably as she said words that I found exceedingly familiar. Words that said that no matter how bad her chest felt, there was no point worrying because 'worry also cannot do anything, just leave it in God's hands'.

It felt comforting to hear those words from her, which was a pleasant surprise considering the fact that a majority of the older folk I've spoken to lately (especially those at the Old Folk Centre thingamajig we went to do CIP at) have been raving pessimists with nothing good to say about Life, the Universe, and Everything.

Soon enough, my bus came and as I was getting ready to board, she smiled once more and 'God bless'-ed me, adding lightly that she'd 'see me some other time' and 'you know where I stay ah? No. 41..'

Odd, but I had a strange feeling as I heard these words from her lips and waved back at her from my seat on the bus. It was the bit about 'seeing me some other time'. We only ever meet by coincidence, or by divine intervention, I suppose. I just had this really uneasy feeling about it, as if something was telling me there might not be another time. Feeling just slightly uncomfortable with how those words struck me, I prayed about it, and told God that I was gonna leave her health in his hands, and that if he was going to take her home, he'd have to take her in the pink of health, that no child of his was going to leave because of asthma. And I felt slightly better after that.

Still, I think it'd be nice if I could go over and visit, possibly. The No. 41 bit is puzzling though, since my place is No. 552... Hmm. I'd probably go have a look around sometime this week, and see if I could pop in for a chat. It was strange to feel drawn to talk to someone of her age. Liz has never been very good with the elderly. She barely possesses enough Hokkien to be able to communicate with her own grandmothers.

Hmm. But that lady just left this little, tingly feeling in my soul. And I want to see her again, so yeah. ^^


*nods*

Band today, was uber tiring. My lips were so numb by the end of combine that even if someone chopped them off, I wouldn't have been able to feel it. Lower lip feels slightly swollen now. And Vera and I were peeling like crazy (lip-wise, that is). Craziness ensued for much of sectionals in the morning, beginning with Lizzy's disorganized shouts for this and that. I sincerely apologize for my rather whacked behaviour this morning. Which set off a buggered chain reaction that left the whole section barking mad.

Lunch was hilarious. Vera has ABOMINABLE dining etiquette. NEVER. EVER. let Vera eat noodles in front of you. Especially those doused in flamable volumes of chili. Poor Mai and Fary have probably been scarred for life.

I was... fortunate enough to be sitting beside her and could dutifully ignore her wails of agony while I concentrated on chewing my wanton mee.

Combine was a funny affair today. Ms Sia kept making us dance the cha-cha thing (the one we learnt for Sports Day) for Latin Medley and it was so tiring. The whole band was doing it, and as usual the curtains were opened, and I found the thought that if anyone walked past the band room now they'd probably think that the band members had all lost their heads very amusing.

And Ms Sia keeps picking on me about my skirt, "Why must shorten??"
Sorry lah.

She talked to me for the first time today, mostly because she wanted to talk to Vera about her choice in JCs and I happened to be with Vera. Hmm. She had this really scary look on her face when I said I probably won't join band if I go TJ. Not that she gave me much of a choice with JCs, "Elizabeth, so how? VJ or TJ?"

Hur hur.

And Shufy says I bounce when I play. Do I bounce that noticibly? Lol. Mmm. 1st July! Our last night together.. Am gonna miss TKGSSB so so so much... :(
My beloved section. [syl, cher, anne, suan, kuan, sharyn, shufy, lena, and the sec1s, bless yer souls but I can't remember your names.]
Our beloved SBA. [dillz, ting, jan, nurbz, vera, fary, mai, cait, mirah, suat. Lets make it last.]
The band room. The whiteboard.
The horrible air-con when you sit in the COLD seat.
Ms Sia's unpredictable moods.
MY SELMER TENOR SAXOPHONE.
All the hundreds of dollars I've spent on reeds.
Sectionals.
Combine.
Praise Jerusalem.


Okay, I should stop recollecting memories... There were many beautiful moments.
And there were the really horrible ones as well. But the beautiful ones have made every bitter one worthwhile. Remember our rainbow, and the myriad of colours. (:


Alright, this post is long enough aye? Its now 11.27PM..
I've been typing for more than an hour (with enough breaks in between to eat my cereal dinner and munch on pretzels), so guess now would be a good time to stop.

Luvvs.

Everyone says, why don't you do something?
You know one thing about being a history student, you analyze everything. No matter what the possibilities you are, you'd end up dissecting them in 360 different directions and each one of them point to both the good and bad. And so you never really end up making your mind because you know that every idea comes attached with both positive and negative probable outcomes.


Yeah Aron, I'd like to know too. Where did evil, cynical Lizzy go?

There are easier ways to get my attention, asking for it would be a good place to start.
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Tuesday, June 21, 2005
12:13 PM

When I Say I Am A Christian
~ Carol Wimmer

When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I'm not shouting, "I am saved!"
I'm whispering, "I get lost;
That is why I chose this way."

When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need Someone to be my Guide.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak,
And pray for strength to carry on.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I'm not claiming to be perfect.
My flaws are all too visible,
But God believes I'm worth it.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches,
Which is why I speak His name.

When I say, "I am a Christian,"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority;
I only know I'm loved.



I only know I'm loved. (:

P.U.S.H
Pray Until Something Happens. Lol.
When things aren't going your way.. remember that God has plans for you. If you place your trust in him, he will give you great gifts, just not in the way that you would have imagined. We don't always know what God's plans are for us. We just know that His ways are not our ways, but His ways are always best.

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8:49 AM

Good morning. Its pretty chilly today ain't it? At least where I am, it is. Fingers are freezing. *rubs nose* (And for the record I'm at home lah, not the Arctic. Its just that its been raining and there's a draft that keeps circulating through the house, plus the fact that our marble floors are perpetually 'cool' and in such weather, get even 'cooler'.)

Am sitting here with a cuppa Brownes yougurt. Which for some reason (probably due to the fridge being fixed. It suddenly decided to turn everything to some sort of popcicle) has morphed into some kind of curd. *prods cautiously* And consuming half this 200g cup has given my a stomachache. *wonders if she should bother finishing it*

For anyone who might be tempted to try Brownes, don't. Stick to Bulla. Its the nicest brand available and is five cents cheaper than Brownes, at least. But of course the fat content also varies on a larger scale.

Mmm. Alright, on second thoughts, Brownes doesn't taste that bad after its thawed itself out. Bulla's definitely creamier and possesses a more definite taste. Browne's just not as sweet as other brands.

Is anyone even interested in my yougurt analysis here? :x [Other than possibly Von, I think not.]

Mmm.. Its nine now, tuition in half an hour. Wonder where to study later. Probably end up at the library again. And have I mentioned the fact that its dumb that you can't study in the library on weekends? The whole place is so empty anyway. There are barely any kids there even on Saturday afternoons. Buggerit.

*blows nose derisively*

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Monday, June 20, 2005
10:32 PM

Well helloooo blog.
I apologize at large to the people whose opinions of me have changed due to the emotional value of recent blog entries.

Anyway! *dramatic pause*
I will eternally remember the 20th of June 2005. :P
Not because it is Jane's birthday. Although it is Jane's birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JANE. You're sixteen as last!! (((:
Yay?

Today shall be remembered as the day that Ms Sia, for the first time ever, and most probably, for the last time, for compliments do not come by easily, said the words, "Tenor, not bad."

Okay. Once again, I AM HAPPY. Because she has, already once, praised the saxophone section. And now, everything is complete. Band was really really fun today. I haven't had this much fun in ages. In band, that is. Goodness. I love American Graffiti XI. It is so nice. American Graffiti VII is so cute. And American Grafitti XIII is supposedly sexaay. I WILL PLAY MY SOLOS WITH GUSTO. Especially my XI ones. <3~

The gimmicks for VII are adorable. I love my section. I hope Ms Sia picks it for the 'presentation' part of it.

In any case, the schedule for 1st July proceeds as follows:
7.00pm - 7 minutes
7.40pm - 3 minutes (the presentation thing with the gimmicks)
8.00pm - 7 minutes
8.20pm - 7 minutes
8.40pm - 7 minutes

Soo.. Do come and support TKGSSB if you've the time to spare. Alrighty? =)


I loved band today. ^____^
Will elaborate tomorrow maybe? =)

I hope I played decently today. Shall strive to improve.

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Sunday, June 19, 2005
11:53 PM

"Fools live to regret their words, wise men to regret their silence" - Will Henry


Wrote a post, decided to merely save it as a draft because Liz doesn't enjoy being irrational.

The only thing I wonder is, if I was older, would I have the maturity to be able to deal with all these better? But then again, some people are much older. And as far as I can tell, some of them still believe that one day Prince Charming is going to come and carry them off.

Today's message.. well, the very first verse that was shared today already completely came and struck me in the recesses of my soul.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. - Romans 12: 2

In fact. I just read the whole of Romans 12. And... its all really good stuff.

Only we know what is God's perfect plan for us. Only we know inside what God wants us to do. And even more so, I know inside what God didn't want me to do. He didn't want me to go there yesterday. I knew it, and still I went. I got hurt, but thats my consequence isn't it? Cause God told me not to do it. You don't argue with God. If he says you shouldn't do something, don't.

Go with the perfect will of God and He will provide the protection, the provision and the favour. Because when you, or me in this case, choose to step out of his will, the only thing I'm causing for myself is trouble.

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. - Romans 12: 21

Do not let your heart falter because you cannot. Let your heart be merry because once you cannot, it means that God certainly can. And he certainly will.


I don't know where any of this goes from here.

I don't care about the future, for I needn't. God will care about it. My job, is to rest.
Yes I admit that I cannot help but think if she's alright, who's taking it harder, maybe I ought to try to make things right.

And all I need to do is just look at what happened the last time I tried to make things right.

"What could possibly be worse? Things already can't get any worse."
They said.

Thank you, for all your support. And I'm sorry you guys got dragged into this. And no, I'm not angry at any of you because if it was because you cared enough for the both of us that you did everything that you did. And thanks for not taking sides. Because you knew it would have hurt at least one of us if that happened.


So yes, getting back to my main point.
I'm just going stick to what I know God wants me to do. And right now, he doesn't want me interfering anymore because all I do is make big messes out of everything I try to take into my own hands.


The time now is 12.20AM.

I've just read something accidentally.
And I'm really angry.
GOOD RIDDANCE TO YOU.
Get out of my sister's life and stay out.
You're RIGHT. She DOES deserve someone better.
She was loyal to you though I could never figure out why. She would have stood there all the way even if you HURT her.
No one hurts my sister and gets away with it.
I don't care if you're older than me. I don't care if you're presumably more 'mature', you cause any more trouble for this family, you better be prepared to deal with me. Because I will take every damn word you've said and shove it right back up your ass. Don't you dare think I'm small fry because I'm the younger sister.
GROW UP. (Well no he doesn't read my blog. And no I'm not going to plot some muti-million dollar revenge or anything. But God, you better stop him from trying anything funny because Lizzy isn't a saftey hazard until she's provoked.)

All your excuses are rubbish. I'm sorry for this offensive outburst. =_=
You know I never knew if Sis read my blog or anything, but its never been much of a secret and I frequent it so much that the link is practically littered all over my Internet Explorer anyway.

Sis, if you see this, I'm sorry if all the above offends you too. I didn't mean to pry. I was honestly looking for something else. You don't deserve to be hurt this way. Because I know you would have stood by your guy no matter what. Because thats how it should have been. God will definitely place a better man in your life. He's promised me and Mom that.

He will give you nothing less than the best and a guy TEN TIMES BETTER who will put God first in his life and know how to cherish YOU for what you are and BEAR MOM MANY GRANDCHILDREN TOGETHER!!!!

(Whoops.)

I don't want you to make the same mistake as Mom.
I don't want to see another guy like Dad marry into this family.
And you had better make sure the guy I marry next time isn't like that either. The horror.
GOD WILL PROVIDE.
And much more.

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7:05 AM

*flops*

Nice. Methinks its about.. seven am now? *glances at clock*
Seven on a Sunday morning.. Hmm. Woke up at six-thirty. Considering the fact that I slept at 2 after finishing The Truth (Pratchett, good book), I feel pretty awake right now.

Okay, so yes. I woke up at six-thirty to loud, blasting LotR music on my handphone, said byebye to Mommy (off to China for a week again), washed up and got dressed.

And then. Dadadum. Rish can't make it for 1st service (was supposed to meet her at eight). So I'm going for second with her and Sis. Sigh. Speaking of Sis, she's been acting seriously weird since the break-up. Every night she sings at the top of her voice and it all sounds so sad. (Not sad songs, Christian worship songs but you can tell how sad she is when she sings them.) She doesn't literally mope about, but she's been smsing a lot and Sis has never been much of an smsing type. She's been a bit subdued lately. And she's told Mom that she's "gotten over it". In three days? :
Gah. And thus, dinner was a very quiet affair last night. I was pretty out of it. Sis was obviously not in the mood for any of our usual stupid jokes either. First time you had both of us in the car and complete silence reigned over the vehicle. Honestly, that almost never happens unless we've just bickered or we were sleeping.

(Okay, the time now is 7.35 am because a certain kitty decided to wander in through the window and I realized I didn't just have him to feed. By the way have I mentioned that the five hamsters are a nightmare? We should start charging rental fees.)


Mmm. To just touch a bit on yesterday's post... Its just that when know how much God really loves you, you won't want to commit certain things. Because you know you're redeemed and of the Lord's. But still, the Christian life is impossible to lead. Because the only one who could've was Jesus, thats why he had to die on the cross. If we could all lead the Christian life, we wouldn't have needed Jesus to die in our place. But because you know how much he really loves you... you're not going to want to sin. And I don't want to. But the flesh is weak, and even if its impossible to fall because God will never let me go, sometimes you are going to find yourself in a position where you've done something you know you shouldn't have.. and that is the time to remember who you are in Christ. That you are God's child, and that no matter what you do, you cannot take away His love for you.

Mm.
Got a lot more hours to kill before church.

And have I mentioned that I want this? (AH! MARVIN MARVIN MARVIN!) Am still considering whether to get it. SGD$60 is still a little bit steep.

Current song playing is American Graffiti XI, we're playing it on 1st July and it has three gorgeous tenor sax solos in it. Though I'm only playing two that is, the jazz one towards the end of the song is O_O!? and Ms Sia is only playing the "4th" time, which is the trumpet part. AHHHH. I love this song. Its a pity I couldn't find the mp3s for AG VII or XIII though.


Hmm. The block CAs are pretty much a lost cause by human standards. On my own, there is no way I'm going to complete my five studyable subjects in one week with 3 full day band practices to boot. Plus Chinese tuition since oral is less than fourteen days away.

Lord, I'm obviously not that clever on my own. If I was, I wouldn't have gotten myself into these messes in the first place. :D

So I'm placing my study time in your hands, do what you do best with it.
I'm not saying that miraculously I'm going to score A1s for everything.
But at least I'd have peace in my heart as I take on the perilous task of attempting to even remember what Remainder theorem is.

Okay. Its almost eight already. Mm.


Its not too late... yet. But its still too early to tell.

Anyway I thought this quote was rather cute,

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours."
-Eric Idle (English Actor and Comedian (Monty Python), b.1943)

I laughed when I read it. Well, yeah. After the rain comes the rainbow.

You know no matter how much I wish I was some crazy character from one of the animes that I love fluffing over and could cry like shit on one day and be all smiles the next because for some miraculous reason I could make myself feel okay overnight, I'm not. But I promise that I will not brood and mule over things. ^_^

Because like I enjoy saying, when you fall down, you can't sit there and cry forever. You stand up, maybe a little battered, a little bruised. Sometimes you bleed, sometimes you scrape yourself, and you definitely hurt even as you walk on, but that is, at least better than sitting there crying over spilt milk. Still, you don't always have to walk on alone.

1 comments.

 Anonymous said

ever see life of brian?

5:59 AM  

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Saturday, June 18, 2005
11:36 PM

What if there was no lie
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason, or rhyme
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life
What if I got it wrong
And no poet or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong

Every step that you take
Could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
That's the risk that you take
- Coldplay , What If

Hmmm.
If you're gonna read this entry (though I don't encourage you reading it), I apologize for being human.
Thanks to everyone who's tried, in some way or another, to help us end this.
Thanks for all the optimism. Thanks for believing that this friendship could still have been saved. Thanks for trying to shine that ray of hope into the shards of my being.
And thats why I'm sorry that it has ended this way.

The finality hasn't dawned on me yet. Yup. Thanks for all the ideas, but life isn't some sort of drama serial. My life, isn't some soap opera or some fairy tale, and we are not going to have a happily ever after.

We might have had one. I think.


Settled on... the root of the problem. Mostly I could never come down to the base of why we fought so much in the first place. But today Von and I came to a conclusion of what the problem is. And the reason why the problem cannot be solved, is because the problem is me.

Its a fine line to walk between being best friends and being more than best friends. Especially when your heart and your mind conflict so soundly upon the logic and foolishness of love.


Sometimes your heart is screaming yes, but your gut is screaming no. What do you do?
If I had followed my heart, where would that have brought me, would we be how we are now? What am I so afraid of? Committment? Embarassment? My own stubborness to believe in the existence of homosexuality?

Even speaking of it I am ashamed, ashamed of my own feelings, ashamed that I am ashamed. Where do you cross the line between what you know is right, and what everyone else views as perfectly normal?

That is the problem. All along, it hasn't been anything else but my own refusal to acknowledge the affection, to face the fact that this is happening.


Its too late to face anything now, anyway.

To anyone who bothers to read this, its over. For good.
I don't think I can cry anymore. I'm quite exhausted.
If the coherency of this post wavers dangerously beyond acceptable limits, I'm sorry.
I'd be fine soon, because as much as it hurts I'm going to have to walk away from this sooner or later. This wasn't a friendship. It was more than that. I just refused to looked at it that way. I just didn't want to deal with what I was feeling. And it was me who destroyed what could've been salvaged from the previous wreckages of prior arguments.


There will be no more talk of reconcilliation. Because I've ruined everything beyond all imaginable hope of repair.

I had my chance to say yes, and I didn't.
There were only two ways to have worked this out.

Like Von said, we already looked like we were a couple. We fought like one, we "broke up" like one, all those numerous times. And we've ended it, like one.

I've ruined something that meant a lot to me. And I'm going to have to deal with it.
Because some things you can't just rewind and recycle.

I've chosen to take the path that says no. As much as it hurts now..
Okay, whatever. It just hurts.
But all things happen for a purpose.
Even if I were to wish that I could go back and say yes, the conclusion has already been drawn.


I really need to sort out my thoughts.
Like wow, I've just screwed things up real bad.
Lord, right now I know that things cannot possibly get any worse than this.
I'm tired of meddling in my own affairs even though I know perfectly well that my efforts amount to nothing because nothing I do will ever make things right and everything I did today absolutely ruined any obscure glimmer of hope that something good might actually come out of this.

All I can say, Lord you heal my heart. Because life doesn't get any suckier than this.

I've drifted from the word somewhat this holidays, even though I've been feeling so desperately in need of help that I've been playing Pastor's CDs over and over again every day.

Its like I allowed my physical circumstances to overwhelm me instead of resting in God's love, and tried to deal with all my problems and pushed God away thinking that I could solve them on my own.

Its time to turn back to the only one who can make things right again.

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Friday, June 17, 2005
10:52 PM

Ooo.

Having a mild headache now (sugar overdose =x) but tonight was so ROFLMAO that I just had to blog about it.

Okay, attempted to mug at the library today for a grand total of half an hour before I was duly informed that Von and Rene were at BK so I lugged my ass down to Parkway and joined them.

Met Rish at night to pass her the wig and she fed me this really, really, really sweet cheese and blueberry bun. I could practically feel the sugar dancing through my digestive system.

Thereafter I attempted to study, and we did some good talking under the fountain in SingPost's sorry excuse for a foodcourt. Where, noticibly, quite a sizeable amount of students choose to study. (That is, if you can balefully ignore the sinking chairs, bad lighting, and rather disconcerting sound of crashing water.) I love yew Rishaaay! I will ETERNALLY remember all the stupid things we did tonight! (Which I will get to in a lil' bit.)

Mmm. She made me read this story about hearts. Its something I've read before, and yup. I got what she was trying to say. And for the first day this week, I felt truly at peace with myself. Thank you Lord, for putting great people like Rish in my life. To do lame and stupid things like...

Go to NTUC and on the spur of the moment, buy a box of Kinder Surprise each and totter like excited little kids up to McDonalds, plonk ourselves on those plastic seats under the glorious scrutinity of the general public and assemble our amusing 'surprises'. *palms face*

WHAT WERE WE THINKING?!! Good lord. I'm not going to dare show my face at SingPost McDonalds for a long long time. Hahaha. Anyway, yes, so there we were, insanely putting together plastic bits as we squinted at the badly printed diagrams and pretended that we weren't being oogled at like overgrown babies.

Being a great fan of Kinder Surprise in the prime of my... adolescence, I must say with a slight tad of mortification that the standard of Kinder Surprise surprises has dropped rather drastically. *prods crumbling pieces of Kinder toys*

In any case, after having quite thoroughly malu-ed ourselves in McDonalds, we attempted to clear our mess up with as much dignity as we could muster and made our hurried exit, bursting into uncontained laughter as we shuffled our way past those glass doors, with Marsha's beloved store manager giving us 'The Face'. (Speaking of said manager, he is so kiam. He gave me a rather pitiful amount of ice-cream when I bought a fifty-cent cone.)

Heh.
So yes, I had fun tonight. Simple way to spend a Friday, quite unlike our usual Orchard Road escapades, but still enjoyable nevertheless.


And really, I never realized how very much I've missed my classmates till I met Von and Rene today. Lol. Felt as though I hadn't seen you guys in ages.


Mmmz.
Hehe.

1 comments.

 The Saturnyne said

now what would have been really cool is if you'd switched parts around to create Kinder Surprise Mutations!

Awesome!

Btw... How much did a BOX cost ya?

*shocked!*

S.x

8:30 AM  

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11:31 AM

Mmm. Anyway sixers, if you're reading this, I met Mr K Ang in school yesterday and he said he wants to kill us with the history paper.

Whoopee doo.

I have finished a grand total of five Bio chapters this whole holiday.
Allow me to fashion a rope so that I may perhaps, hang myself.
Hurhur.


Oo. Its suddenly raining.

And its stopped.


o_O

Oh. Its started again.

Weird.



Mmm.. *stares balefully at handphone*

Anyway... I thought yesterday was a bad day for me. Turns out... Sis broke up with that good for nothing asinine creature. A few weeks ago Mom and I prayed about it. I told God that my sister definitely deserves something better than that and that God had better give her a better guy, or he change the current one so that he'd be at the very least, deserving of her love.

I'm pretty glad. That they've broken up. But I'm sad nonetheless. Cause Sis has to be sad, even if she doesn't show it.

I guess thats how it works in this house. Everyone doesn't want to cause a scene. So we're always happy. We're always joking, fooling around and laughing. Even though I know inside that I'm not exactly feeling upbeat, and she definitely can't look that happy after a breakup.

Sis and I are really close. But we never talk about such... matters. We just never do. Oh sure we cover up for each other when it comes to Sis scratching the car or something.. Hahah.. She's on MC today and sleeping off a cold. She's almost never sick. She doesn't even look sick anyway. She just likes to sleep. XP

And she's been working really hard anyway.

Lord, I know you will make lemonade out of the lemons, so I leave everything in your hands. Both mine, and hers. That you give her someone who will really cherish her and love her, a man not after his own heart, but Yours. Someone who would make a good husband and a good father. ^_^ [My sis is 25. She's going to have to get married sooner or later.] [And bring Mom many little grandchildren. HEHE.]

So yupp.. I'm not even supposed to know this lah.
About Sis.
But I do.
So. Not that many of you know her or anything. But I'd still prefer if it doesn't travel. (Not that news about my sis would want to get travelled now, would it?)



(nothing to do with Sis)
Having to stand still and do nothing is harder than reaching forward and attempting to salvage the situation on my own.

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Thursday, June 16, 2005
11:02 PM

I don't know.

What is it that I need to do now.
Scream?
Cry?

I don't know. I just don't.
I feel so low today.
And to top the cake, TJ doesn't want me.

I'm just going to end up in AC despite what everyone says.
I have nothing against AC.

The band concert tonight was enjoyable. I like the repertoire, despite what the rest of the SBA thinks about it. Because all they think about is Boris Iskandar.

Okay.
Not going to blog anymore.

Just facing the com fills me with dread.

Lord, I can't face tomorrow. I can't face another day.
I need you there to guide me and take the pain away.
If I go on like this I know I'd break down through and through.
So Lord please come and help me cause the one who can is you.


[edit 12.03AM]
Mmkay. New song. Its a happy, cheerful song that I've been addicted to for the past two days. Its from this really '...' anime that Himi and Rish are gaga over but Liz feels completely =_= about. The lead isn't even vaguely my type of bishie. *sighs dramatically*

Lyrics and translations here.

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9:28 AM

Hmm.
Okay.

This isn't a happy post. So don't read it if it bothers you.

I felt something last night that I haven't felt since the depression stages of my life in sec1/2. It wasn't good.

Wrote a lot of words. In this cheesy green notebook, upstairs on the bed. Was the only book in the vicinity that could've lived with the abuse of my sudden outburst of emotions.

Oh well. Woke up in the morning, and yes, I can now put the blame on PMS.
Go figure.


Feeling.. sad.

You know, was listening to one of Pastor's sermons the other day. And I realized something. I've been trying not to let myself get affected by things. Because I don't think its nice, y'know, to get all despondent and mope around being a burden onto others just because you're disappointed and upset with certain aspects of your life. But yeah, in the message, Pastor said that at one point of time in his life, he was trying not to get angry at things, even when they did piss him off. And I realize that.. I'm no better. I'm trying not to be human. I'm trying not to let myself feel everything that comes with situations like these. And because I've been trying so hard to hold everything back and tell God, and myself, that everything is fine because I want it to be fine.. I've just been making myself twice as miserable.

And yup. Pissed Von off, somewhat, I think.
Probably already pissed Krys off a while ago.

Because... sometimes it reaches this point where it wells up so tightly in your chest that the dam can't hold it back anymore, and you have to get it out. But you don't want to let it out on your friends, because you've been there, and you've done that, and you know the consequence of having done that. So you try to back away, but you know you need to let it out. And everyone just gets hurt in the crossfire anyway.

So I wrote it out. Some of it, of course.

If you try to run away from your emotions, sooner or later it all comes crashing down on you again.

Still, no doubt its very romantic to think that your heart is often correct. But from experience, what has been said from my heart has caused me nothing but misery.

Yet I can't help but wonder if it is right for me to remain silent.
You know how I've said that you gotta tell people you love them because you never know when you might never get a chance again?

Sometimes, you're never gonna get that chance again not because that person had met with physical demise, but because words are powerful, and you may lose that person for good in your life because of the words you chose to speak.

I'm very unreliable when it comes to emotions anyway. I think where I stand now, in my life, sixteen young years... I don't think it'd be wise to trust the words that escape my lips. Because life is a journey, and I don't know where tomorrow will bring me... and looking back at earlier years, sometimes the words that seemed so right to utter at that particular point in time turn out to be words that you are going to live to regret.


So do you say them?

Hardly. This isn't some Hong Kong drama serial. It doesn't become happily ever after once words are exchanged.


Once you lose something, it's not going to be easy getting it back.


I think... I'd look back on this in six months, a year, or two. And laugh at myself. As I always do.
Hey, people grow up sometimes I suppose.
I've got some growing up to do.
Still hurts to be human, after all. :)


Oh well.
That wasn't nice.


Apologies then. To everyone.


God, what are you trying to show me?
What are you trying to teach me?

1 comments.

 gayhearts said

what an entry. i think everyone can relate to that. everything is so true.

and to express what lies in your heart is difficult. are your intentions selfless, or are they made to hurt the other person, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

sometimes its not just about your heart. there are things way complicated than that. the external factors affecting what would be a simple relationship.

if only life would be so simple. if only love would be about two people and nothing else mattered. if only...

but, life is never the bed of roses we all want it to be. it is, and always will be, the complicated mass we all are made to live in. and no one can help it. sigh.

why can't everyone just be happy? -ponders-

9:42 PM  

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Wednesday, June 15, 2005
10:23 PM

My heart is hammering painfully in my chest.

The feeling's back. That foreboding, sinking feeling in my heart when I know something big is going to happen. Even my guts are trying to run away.

Before I do anything, I'm going to apologize to everyone.

Sorry.



Its PMS. I think. Really bad PMS. Liz gets really sad when she PMSes.
She doesn't know why.


Events of the day.
Band. Juniors, please work hard.
And oh, I've got a junior, according to Shufy.
Lunch, with SBA.
Library with SBA.
Library alone.
Came home...
Good to see there are still a few good men who give up seats to old people on the bus. Those mornings I've had to go to band on my own, looking in disgust at all these adults on the buses. Adults who specifically complain about us students not giving up seats on the bus. Well, they're good examples, aren't they? Wouldn't even give up seats for old women. Young, able-bodied working men scrambling for seats just so the women who are standing won't get to 'em first.

Wonderful culture. Singaporeans.


Walked the back way, cats. Loads of 'em. Long story. But now I've gotten myself rather aquainted with the tai tais who feed the numerous cats who grace the backstreets of my neighbourhood. Hope they don't drag me into helping out. Too often. That is.


Hmm. Sis came home, and we cooked dinner together. Fun. Just soup and udon mostly, but enjoyable. And then we watched CSI. And Liz once again forsakes her education. The block CAs are making me rather unhappy about Life, the Universe, and Everything.


New song for Mel, 'cuz she wants it.

When You Say You Love Me - Josh Groban

Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly
I'm falling, lost in a dream.
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,
You say those words and my heart stops beating.
I wonder what it means.
What could it be that comes over me?
At times I can't move.
At times I can hardly breath.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

You're the one I've always thought of.
I don't know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.
You're where I belong.
And when you're with me if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly
For a moment in time.
Somewhere between the Heavens and Earth ,
And frozen in time, Oh when you say those words.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

[bridge:]
And this journey that we're on.
How far we've come and I celebrate every moment.
And when you say you love me,
That's all you have to say.
I'll always feel this way.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
In that moment,I know why I'm alive

When you say you love me.
When you say you love me.
Do you know how I love you?


Perfectly sappy song. :Enjoy?



Something aches, within me. (Not my stomach lah.)

You know, God wants us to stand still and let him work.
But sometimes you think something is nudging you in a certain direction but you don't know if its God or not. And your gut is screaming at you but you don't know what its screaming.
And your heart hurts so bad and you're wondering if it'd be right to listen to what your friends say and listen to your heart. But the heart has reasons that reason cannot know. And human emotions are usually wrong.

I know a lot of the decisions that I've taken into my own hand have gone seriously haywire.
And I don't want to try and attain peace in my soul through my own efforts, because I can't.

Lord, even though I cannot see beyond the fog that clouds my mind, you have seen the whole road ahead. And I know you're walking me through.

I shall fear no evil, for you are my God, and you are with me.




Oh yes, combine today. Solo. Lol.
Ironic little solo. Heard I played well, except for the fact that I was so jittery that my 'vibrating' was chao power. Shows how much faith I have in my own skills.

Haha.
Why does the sun go on shining?
Why do the waves wash to shore?
Don't they know, its the end of the world
Cause you don't love me anymore.
(yeh, its an oldie, I can't believe some people actually don't know this song.)

Its a nice.. solo. Vera loves it. I'd do my best kay? :)

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Tuesday, June 14, 2005
8:20 PM

Hmm. I'm just sitting 'ere, waiting for something... exciting to happen. *yawns visibly*

Human nature is difficult to please. When something crops up (because when something exciting happens to Liz, more often than not, it tends to be of a more.. undesirable nature than what she would prefer to have happen to her) I'd attempt to bury my head in the ground and hope that everything would blow over quickly. But when nothing happens. I sit here stoning wondering when the next exciting thing is gonna happen. Man I'm gonna need one heck of job when I grow up just to keep this inner kid happy.

I'm reading the blogs of all us SBA-ians.. I'm so sad.

Is this the end already? For us? The Esplanade rooftop. SBA's last goodbye. The end to an amazing bond that God has blessed me so richly with. Yup. Since everyone has it on theirs...

10th August 2013
Esplanade rooftop
1700h

I love you all.

Dilly. Ting. Nurb. Vera. Amirah. Cait. Jan. Mai. Fary. Suat.

Don't say
We have come now to the end.
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again.
-LotR:RotK (Annie Lennox - Into the West)


I love that place.
The rooftop, that is. The ambience just completely overwhelmed me that night. The pianist, down there by the waterfront. The wind blowing in my face. Really, you guys should try it. Its like.. Even if you're alone, you can almost feel the touch of someone enveloping his arms around you and holding you there, at the top of the world. Lol.

(This is a sign that Lizzy has been reading too much manga and watching too many gooey-eyed animes.)


Soon we'd all be gone. I don't know how very, very, very much I'm gonna miss TK.
Its true, what they say about your secondary school. The sweetest memories of your youth are forged here. The people you'd remember better for the rest of your life are your secondary school friends.

I never want to let this go, the memories.

We'd never have today again.
We'd never have 4e6'05 again.
Nor TKGSAX04/05.
Or the SBA as we are now.


I'm glad to have been a part of this. I'm glad I came to TK. No matter where we all go from here six months from now, thank you. Thank you for being a part of my memories. The good, and the bad. I'd choose to remember the good. The good times.. that we had. The good memories of us.

Anyway, the lyrics below are to a really sad song that made me bawl my eyes out really badly when I watched the show. Its from a really... I'd say rather old Disney movie. The Fox and the Hound. Download here. But just for a couple of days. I don't want to kill our bandwidth.

Goodbye May Seem Forever
We met, it seems, such a short time ago
You looked at me - needing me so
Yet from your sadness
Our happiness grew
And I found out I needed you too
I remember how we used to play
I recall those rainy days
The fire's glow
That kept us warm
And now I find - we're both alone
Goodbye may seem forever
Farewell is like the end
But in my heart is a memory
And there you'll always be

Goodbye may seem forever
Farewell is like the end
But in my heart is a memory
And there you'll always be

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11:55 AM

HAHAHAHAHA.

OMG!! Sorry about the song everyone. *grins sheepishly*

I really did intend for it to go on Sunday night after I returned from the concert with my beloved SBA, but my modem fried and the Starhub guy just brought a new one 10 minutes ago. Its black and sleek (aka the new one. My old modem was so old that you n00bs probably never laid your eyes on its antique form before.)

FINALLY. *glomps the World Wide Web*

I was having withdrawals the whole of yesterday that I actually PACKED my worksheets.

Sort of anyway.

I packed them into subject stacks. That is all. Do not expect me to do hardcore filing. I think I'd end up ripping everything to shreds.


Okay yes. The song is gone. SORRY! :P
Mushy song yes? *apologetic grin*
Josh Groban. X)))))))~~~ (I was between You Raise Me Up and When You Say You Love Me. *thinks* Hmmm. You Raise Me Up is nicer.)

Probably stems from my how giddily high I was after the Yuhua/River Valley Alumni concert.

OMG!!! THE TENOR/SOP SAX GUY! OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!! Sorry Vera for practically clawing your arm off.

AHHHHH. Okay. Then SBA went to the Esplanade rooftop, which was absolutely romantic (I mean, not with the SBA lah. But it would make a very romantic place to be with your significant other). Also rather sad, melacholic, but.. still very romantic. I LOVE SBA!

We're supposed to go back in how many years time? Haha and bring our boyfriends/husbands with us. I bet Vera will be married with like 3 kids by then or something.



Okay. Yes, anyway I was bored to tears yesterday. And started getting reflective about Life, the Universe, and Everything. *dramatic pause*

But its okay. Withdrawal symptoms dealt with! As long as I have my com, and my modem. I'm happy. *snugglesh*

*dodges all the 'LOSER!' signboards coming her way*

AHHHH. I'M HAPPY. *glomps the com*

I love SBA.
I love my computer.
I love my modem.
I love my saxophone. (I practiced all the solos for 2hrs yesterday. Lord, let me play them well.)
I love EVERYONE! *hugs all around*



"You Raise Me Up" - Josh Groban

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up: To more than I can be.

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Sunday, June 12, 2005
11:29 AM

*bouncebouncebouncebounce*

Fwee~

RENE. Listen to the song quick so I can get rid of it. I can't believe I'm playing techno on my blog.
note to self: must get rid of song within next 12 hours.

Mmkay. Had a good dinner with Himi, Rish, Mom and Sis last night. :D~~

Ate at some restaurant Vienna(?) at United Square. Initially had some miscommunication problems and the three of us (Himi, Rish and yours truly) ended up in some desolate excuse for a building (UE Square).

In any case. Dinner rocked. :D~~~~ Variety was good. Cheesecakes were to kill for. *__*

Highly recommended.

Post-dinner was sorta doozy cause the three of us were all high on cheesecake (and I swear Rish was high on cocktail as well) and we were flopping and laughing and saying stupid things. Ghetto!cosplay. Soon, m'luv. AHHH. When the O's are over. Definitely.

BWAHAHAHA.

Okay. Bleach joke. Shall take the neos later when I'm feeling a little less lazy. Am just in a happy lazy mood right now.


Quote of the day!~
"I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it." - Terry Pratchett



SPEAKING OF WHICH! *bounces excitedly*

Neil Gaiman's coming to Singapore towards the end of the month!!!! (:

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Saturday, June 11, 2005
11:18 AM

Note to self. Some teachers are blatantly biased towards certain students. More important, Liz has long realized that somehow, it works the same way as with that bible story about the prodigal son running away from his father's farm and taking his inheritance with him, only to return in shame some months later when he had finish squandering his inheritance on worldly wants.

His intention was to beg his father to allow him a place on his farm as a workman, as he did not believe his father would acknowledge him as 'Son' any longer. But as he came trudging up the road to the house, his father, who waited each day outside in hope that his son would one day return, ran to meet him and hugged his smelly, bedraggled son and immediately dressed him in the finest robes and demanded that a party be thrown for his son that was once lost but now was found.

He killed the prize calf to celebrate the joyous return, but that night as the elder brother returned from the field, where he had dutifully toiled and worked in to serve his father for many a year, he angered to hear of what had happened and refuse to enter the party.

His father came out to persuade his elder son to join the celebration, but he refused, saying; "Father I have served you faithfully for many years, never one have I betrayed your word or your trust, and never once have you killed the prize calf nor held a party for me. Yet now as my wayward younger brother returns from having recklessly squandered his half of the inheritence, you welcome him with new robes and a party."

And to this his father replied, "Son, you are always with me, and all that I have is yours. It was right that we should make merry and be glad, for your brother was dead and is alive again, and was lost and is found."




Sometimes, yup. School works this way too. You sometimes work so hard to achieve something, but if you don't have favour, you'd never get it. Sometimes it could be you who is slogging away dutifully to meet the demands of certain teachers, but somehow you're not the person they care about. What they care about are those wayward students, because since you're already on the right path they don't need to worry about you, so their full concentration is centered on those who really need the attention.

Its completely understandable, but sometimes don't you wish they'd just say the occasional thanks? Lol.

Okay this is abrupt because mom just completely ruined my train of thought. -_-



Lol. Still, this wasn't the exact reason I wanted to blog today.

Was going through some stuff last night.. and yup. The 23rd of June is coming.

Mostly the people who read my blog won't know the significance of that date, except for maybe one or two. Somehow, I was never close to him. Like I've said, but it didn't mean I didn't know him. Its hard to forget people like him. He had charisma, definitely.

Its nearly two years now. Somehow ever since his sudden passing, I've always resoluted to go visit. But I never have. Maybe its the fear.. yup, most definitely the fear. Just afraid.. to step into private territory. Afterall I am pretty much an outsider in these affairs. I cried for him, then in 2003 when I first 'saw' the news. I just happened to be.. in the channel. The old gang. #hpslash. And most of them were pretty close to him then. In a sense.

I never want to lose another friend like this again.

It just isn't right.

Everything you could have been, all the happiness and love you would've missed out on. It was such a waste.


Oh well.

People, you only get to live once, so live life to the fullest. Because thats all there is to you. (:

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Friday, June 10, 2005
4:53 PM

Okay. Didn't do anything productive at all today. Other than eating. Alot. *wibbles* Must lose weight.

The shoes are a lost cause. So there. Not cosplaying tomorrow.

Anyway. Lizzy shall now attempt to post a philosophical rant on Life, the Universe and Everything. *sighs dolefully*

Attempt I say, attempt.


*five minutes passes in silence save for the noises those 5 hamsters are making while they squabble over everything again*

Garhar.


Okay. *flexes fingers*
...
This isn't working at all is it? -_o

Basically, I've reached this point in my life where everything just passes like comic relief. If stuff happens, it happens. If it don't, then it don't. Whatever you don't want to see, choose not to see it. Curiosity killed the cat. If something makes you sad, don't keep letting it make you sad, especially if you have a choice whether you want to revisit it or not.

If someone tries to slander you, don't believe them. Because when you start feeling that you're as crappy as they say you are, then you are as crappy as they say you are.

If people think ill of you, it's sad, but hey, you're one in a couple o' billions. And so is he/she. If you don't give two cents about it, then no one can stop you from believing what you want to believe.

If you remain unaffected, what can they say? What can they do? No one has the right to dictate your behaviourism just because they think you should have acted differently.

Most importantly, know who you are. Know what you are.
Don't let the words of an outsider make you feel inferior.
Because winners never quit. And quitters never win. (:



Tadaaa. *grins floppily*
Okay, my bad. *Shrugs hopelessly* Well I'm not viciously angry/sad/depressed/annoyed or raving crazy at the moment.
So I ain't got much to say.


I ain't running from anything, I realize.
The problem is I'm facing it. And its dull.
Tch tch. Perception.

Is your glass half-full or half-empty?


I'd rather die happy and ignorant, with a smile on my face than know the biggest truth and dirtiest secret of the .. I donno, US government or something.

At least then I can go knowing that I've lived a good life.


Money, riches, a good education. Six points for O levels, 3 As for A levels. A diploma, a degree. Grades. A good job. Wth, this isn't what life is about.

Anyway, here's a link to a good read. Its by Colin Goh, whose Concrete Jungle art I think is distastefully unattractive but yup, I still think this article really strikes at the hearts of Singaporeans. Especially our generation of Singaporeans.

Quotes:
"What unites Secondary 4 teachers is the common goal of ensuring their students score well in the ‘O’ levels - preferably better in the subject that they teach rather than in another subject. Success is defined largely in terms of how many As produced in their class.

I remember one year distinctly - the school had done well in history and the Sec 4 history teacher was jumping up and down in glee, like she had won a war. On the other hand, the students hadn’t done as well in literature and the teacher was walking around with her head down, wishing that the bulletin board with the results didn’t place the teacher’s name next to the results of each class. While everyone congratulated the history teacher on doing well in spotting the right questions, we all didn’t know what to say to the literature teacher. We sort of patted her shoulder as if someone had died."

-

How often was I told as a child by my elders, "wait till you grow up," "wait till after exams", "wait till after you graduate". I do not desire to wait until I retire. I might not make it that far. I refuse to be a walking mid-life crisis in the making.


Yup, in any case, its food for thought and definitely something worth reading if you have a functional brain that has actually entertained those dramatic Matrix-like thoughts as "Why am I here?" and "What is the purpose of my existence?" in our less than hilarious country of Singapore.

Oh well.

Knowingly, most of us have resigned to the fact that yes, PAP rules the world (our world, at least, the four walls of homes, well-paved streets and the incredulous need to be the best at every thing). But one dreams, sometimes, of a better future free from the self-condemning oppression.

Ironically, we complain so much but when the time comes to speak up, where does everyone disappear to huh?

Afraid aren't you? That you'd be stupid enough to be rendered bankrupt like those losers who bother slandering the government and our prime minister.

You want the words to be said, but you want someone else to be the scapgoat.

Brave lot, we Singaporeans are. *chuckles*


Oh well. Still I stand by the fact that you can complain all you want about the government, but if you don't have a better plan, don't try to push them out of their seats. Cause it ain't gonna work that way.


-attempt at philosophical ramble over!-
-_-~

I'm bored.

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11:48 AM

New song!

Actually was between this and the Bleach Ending Theme (Life is Like a Boat), but yup. This piece is dedicated to Vonniekins, Mellymoo and Chouchou. (:

(因著所有的挫折，終於我明白，
那最美麗的花朵，是為自己而盛開的…)
(Yin zhe suo you de cuo zhe, zhong yu wo ming bai,
na zui mei lie de hua duo, shi wei zi ji er sheng kai de...)

Lydia 迷離的眼眶
為何流浪 心碎的海洋
受了傷 連微笑都徬徨
Gypsy女郎 為誰而唱
Lydia Mi li de yan kuang
Wei he liu lang Xin sui de hai yang
Shou le shang Lian wei xiao dou pang huang
Gypsy nü lang Wei shei er chang


妳會看見霧 看見雲 看見太陽
龜裂的大地重複著悲傷
Ni hui kan jian wu Kan jian yun Kan jian tai yang
Jun lie de da di chong fu zhe bei shang


他走了帶不走妳的天堂
風乾後會留下彩虹淚光
他走了妳可以把夢留下
總會有個地方等待愛飛翔
Ta zou le dai bu zou ni de tian tang
Feng gan hou hui liu xia cai hong lei guang
Ta zou le ni ke yi ba meng liu xia
Zhong hui you ge di fang deng dai ai fei xiang


Lydia 幸福不在遠方
開一扇窗 許下願望
Lydia Xing fu bu zai yuan fang
Kai yi shan chuang Xu xia yuan wang


妳會感受愛 感受恨 感受原諒
生命總不會只充滿悲傷
Ni hui gan shou ai Gan shou hen Gan shou yuan liang
Sheng ming zong bu hui zhi chong man bei shang

Translation:
Por los momentos difíciles,
ya entendí que la flor más bella
sería siempre para mi.


Lydia

(Because of all these setbacks, I finally understand,
that most beautiful flower, it's blooming for itself...)

Lydia, with your vague gaze
Why do you wander with an ocean of heartbreak
You've been hurt; even your smile paces about
Gypsy girl, who do you sing for?

You will see fog, see rain, see the sun
The cracked earth yields heartache again

He left, but can't take away your heaven
After the wind dries, tears of rainbow light will fall
He left, so you can leave your dreams behind
There must be a place to wait for love to take flight

Lydia, happiness isn't far away
Open your windows, and make a wish

You will feel love, feel hate, feel forgiveness
Life will not always be filled with heartache




Yupp. I think its a nice song, definitely a little less depressing than my other choice would've been. Lol. Enjoy. Its definitely more soothing than ~take me to your heart, take me to your soul, give me your hand before i'm old~

Haha.


Anyway, everyone's being philosophical about life and everything. Von. Himi. Lol. Interesting.

Shall give my two cents when I can get my brain to function.

Am cosplay Sophia tomorrow. Bleugh. Shall go do my shoes.

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Thursday, June 09, 2005
9:57 PM

Alrighteh.
Today's post will be a good to true proper rant. Or so Lizzy hopes. *grins toothily*


Firstly! Since I didn't blog about it yesterday,
Lizzy went to the TJC band auditions, and Lizzy realizes very pointedly that she does not want to join TJ band. Seriously. They are a good band. But I don't like the type of pieces they play. Even if its all really, very good. And in any case. I want to join the Student's Council in JC.


Well, anyway, after that I went shopping with Rene and did something unspeakable (ie. spend SGD$69 on a tiny ridiculous pair of Roxy shorts) which she is pretty much in denial over because firstly, she cannot believe that she actually forked out $69 for a meager amount of fabric and secondly, mostly because its uncharacteristic of me to be buying Roxy shorts. Fullstop.
(Yes Rene dear, I've fulfilled the you-never-blog-about-the-shorts bit.)



Okay, now I'd blog about AC tune-in. Sorry about the mundane technicality of this post, but Lizzy doesn't have anything very witty to say at the moment, merely personal ditties to scrawl across the pages of her humble blog. :P

Well. Okay. The games were pretty alright, other than the fact that I got kicked in the knee by an utterly discourteous f.horn player and stabbed in the eye by a tall VS tubist. And rather traumatized by a very terrifying excuse for an ACJC trombonist who probably spent half his life playing violent R-rated games.

*thinks* OH well. Lunch with the section was very polite and formal, like yer know, saxophone talk all about the table. Better brands, reed strengths, band sizes.. yadda yadda. Didn't meet anyone spectacular, but there were a sizeable amount of decent looking characters. Guys mostly. Other than this girl who looked like a much chioer, petite version of Zeph (think she was from Dunearn), there weren't many good looking girls around. But the guys, well, by Lizzy standards (which everyone has long doubted due to the dubious nature of the kind of guys Lizzy actually gets attracted to) they passed. A good handful of them, at least.

(The rest of the SBA actually, was quite happy to drool at the student conductor.)

Dadididum. Combine was antagonizing. Horrible. I mean, yeah, what to expect when there's so many people (its even worse than a TK combine with all 4 levels squished into our tiny excuse for a band room) and most of us sec4s have skills that leave much to be desired. Not saying that everyone was bad or anything.


There were definitely good players about. But sightreading the scores was '........................'
No wonder Sis warned me about the crazy speed Dr. Lee likes to go at. Maybe I'm just used to Ms. Sia's reasonably unchallenging conducting speed.


In any case, I really like the atmosphere at AC. And I like how Dr. Lee conducts. Hmmm.

Torn between TJ and AC. Lol. If there had been DSA for AC, I definitely would've decided to go there. But TJ.. Yeah, TJ's boring and nice. AC's.. not boring and nice.

But boring is good. I like boring.

Lol.

Still... If TJ accepts me for DSA, I'd probably have to reject them cause if they take me in, I'd have to join the band. T_T

Dumdidoo. Okay haven't read Von's -philosophy- for today. *gives Von a big big hug*

Shall go read it now I suppose.


Am wondering what to do tomorrow. Since Rish has already finished my costume, I guess I _will_ cosplay this Sat. X_x Which means I must do the shoes tomorrow. Whee.?

Busy, busy week. Feels good.

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1:11 AM

Oh mannn. Sukisyo has to be one of the best animes that has ever happened to me.


EVERY SINGLE GUY in the anime is nosebleed worthy.

And mann. Every episode has those little teensy philosophies attached to it.


And the plot!!! OMG. Its like, as bishie as Loveless but five times better in terms of story development.


Finished all 12 episodes of the anime, sure the ending was a little o_O? but mannnn. The 3 day download was ALL WORTH IT.








*glomps the anime*
Shall ramble more tomorrow. Or later today. That is.
Just finished Bleach till episode 28 as well. Its utterly hilarious. I've never sat here in front of my com with windows media player screening anime and laughed so hard before.

*BWAHAHAHAHAHA!*

Okay.

Shall calm down. Calm down.


ACJC tune-in tomorrow. Gotta wake up early.


*is giddily high on pretty boys*

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Tuesday, June 07, 2005
7:59 PM

Straw mushrooms, when raw, give off a sickeningly sweet odour.

When cooked, merely taste of everything else.


Okay. Shall not giggle at my own (bad) jokes. But alas, I fail to have anything of interest worth blogging.

Most philosophical rambles require a certain amount of brainpower which of course, when fueled with insufficient tau huay, completely refuses to function as per normal.


I am bored. *Stares at PS2* I am bored. *feels glare of betrayal wafting up from the console*

Perhaps I should go drown myself in CSI. o_O I have, after all, kidnapped the poor DVDs for almost six months. >__<;; I LIKE TO MOVE IT MOVE IT! Hahah. OMG. SO FUNNEH. SO SO SO SO SO FUNNEH.

Sorry Rish, if I grabbed you in any unidentifiable areas while howling with laughter. :X


Anyway, x-posted this on LJ.


WOULD YOU?
[_] give me your number?
[_] kiss me?
[_] let me sleep under your bed?
[_] watch a movie with me?
[_] let me take you out to dinner?
[_] let me drive you somewhere
[_] take a shower with me?
[_] be my bf/gf?
[_] have a fling with me?
[_] take me home for the night?
[_] Would you let me sleep in your bed?
[_] sit in the doctor’s office with me because I didn't want to go alone?
[_] re-post this for me to answer your questions?
[_] give me a piggyback ride?
[_] Come pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?
[_] Lock me in your room and take advantage of me?
[_] dance with me?
[_] let me make you breakfast?
[_] tickle me to death?
[_] let me tickle you to death?
[_] stick up for me if i was being put down?
[_] play strip poker with me?
[_] say yes if i asked you out?
[_] get wasted with me?
[_] greet me in public?
[_] hang out with me?
[_] bring me around your friends?

ARE WE...
[_] acquaintances?
[_] friends?
[_] in a relationship?
[_] going to have kids?

AM I...
[_] smart?
[_] funny?
[_] loveable?
[_] compassionate?
[_] annoying?
[_] great to be with?
[_] mean?
[_] a retard?


HAVE YOU EVER...
[_] thought about me?
[_] found yourself wanting a kiss from me?
[_] found yourself wanting to kick my ass?
[_] wished I was there?
[_] wanted my number?
[_] had a dream about me?
[_] been distracted by me?


Just to make the post a leeeetle more interesting. And Himi wants to kick my ass. T_T Lol.

*steals your bed*


Lol. Okay, Jerry's purring outside the window. Demanding food for the 1933463rd time today.

All hail the King of pussy cats. Oh wait, the King just stalked away.




OMG! IDEA.

I SHALL JUST WATCH BLEACH for the rest of the night. *_*

Yesyesyes! (Rish burnt them for me and mailed over the chao tar fragments a month ago and I haven't found the time to watch 'em since.)

Okie, so I uhm, leaveee you, with a quote, of course.

The Whale: [his last lines] What's this thing coming very quickly towards me? It's flat... no... it's round. Round... round. Um... ground! Yes, that's the ground. I wonder if it will be friends with me. Hello, ground!
[hits ground and dies]



[edit!] 8.30PM
CHEESY SONG!!!! Lol. I loved the original cantonese version.

WHAT DID MLTR DO TO IT!
And then they got a Korean guy as well.
It sounds better in Korean becauseI don't understand what he's singing.
The English bits of it are just ROFLMAO though.

CHEESY.

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Monday, June 06, 2005
4:21 PM

Oh nuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

TJ's called regarding auditions already!! Its only Monday. ;___;


Thought it would have been safer for me since my application mostly revolved around editorial leadership. But I've still to go for band auditions. I don't want to get in. I want to go to TJ. But I don't want to join the band. :(

GAH.
Audition's on Wednesday. I guess I'd have to turn up. It would be most impolite not to.

*gulps*

BUT THE TJ SAXOPHONISTS ARE ALL GOOD. *demoralized* Liz is quite blatantly aware of her less than exceptional sax skills, and is afraid that she might lau kui herself and er, the good name of tkgsax. *coughs*

2.5 years of playing the sax hasn't turned me into Vera or anything you know.
Ack.

Hope the band doesn't accept me.
Its not nice to feel rejected, but I'm seriously not keen on band in JC (with the exception of AC, that is).

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12:57 PM

Okie. Finished the new layout, I'm rather fond of green, and its supposed to be soothing on the eyes anyway. Technically speaking.

Rather uncharacteristic mp3 for today, but Rene wanted it (prolly the 20th choice after a dozen others that I either couldn't use or didn't possess). It is, admitably, a nice song. And a good movie.


After this, GROBAN. :x (snugglesh Josh Groban) I like sweet, endearing fluffy pieces.

Oh well. Everyone was a little edgy during emath supplementary today. *gives Mel and Von hugs*


Have absolutely nothing to do today. Rene came over just now, but she's flown off to Parkway cause Lizzy is an absolutely un-entertaining host (even though I did cook for her). Am quite fond of snuggling up at home and doing absolutely nothing at all, but thats hardly productive. And I didn't feel like going out either. Sooo. Am just floating around in a puddle of floppified goo wondering what to do for the rest of the afternoon. (Schoolwork is not an option.)

AHH. Am feeling very sleepy for no apparent reason. This post is utterly uninteresting.

Oh YES!


I've 5 little baby dwarf hamsters for a month. John (my cousin) bribed my Mom with durian so now we're stuck with having to look after them for his friend. THEY'RE TINY. TINY TINY TINY. All 5 would readily fit into the palm of my hand if they weren't so enthusiastically sqiurmish. No pictures. Because they're so small I just can't seem to get the focus sharp enough. They blend in with everything else in the cage. Lol.

They're absolutely small. Scarily small.


Oh. WHEE. Am meeting Rish in the evenin' for a movie. Finally I can attach a purpose to my day.

Shall go play my ps2, cause its been neglected long enough. My poor baby.

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Sunday, June 05, 2005
7:16 PM

Whee.

Step 1: Open your Winamp or other MP3 player.
Step 2: Put all of your music on random.
Step 3: Write down the first 20 songs it plays, no matter how embarrassing.


01. Theme from 'The Cat Returns'
02. Mariah Carrey - Against All Odds
03. Petshop Boys - Se A Vida E
04. Harmonie Orkest - Lincoln Shire Posy 6 The Lost Lady Found
05. Air Supply - Now and Forever
06. Aerosmith - Hole in My Soul
07. Tokyo Kosei - Merry Widow selections
08. Jay Chou - An Jing
09. Tom Lehrer - New Math
10. Tokyo Kosei - La Storia
11. Everclear - Otis Redding
12. Maksim - Rhapsody On A Theme Of Paganini (this is complete bastardization of classical music I tell you.)
13. X OVA - Strength
14. Mr Big - To Be With You
15. David Cassidy - I Think I Love You
16. Jay Chou - Ge Qian
17. This Mortal Coil - Song to the Siren
18. Peter Andre - Kiss the Girl
19. Sonic Flood - When the Music Fades
20. Michael Jackson - You are Not Alone

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12:46 AM

Went for Streetfest today. As usual, got bored within the first five minutes.

Haha. Cosplay doesn't do much for me these days. Perhaps I'd cosplay Sophia once (since Rish's already completed it for me) for the Bugis event next week and get it over and done with.


Song thats playing is a really touching piece sung by Adeline (church).


耶酥我爱你，
深深地爱你。
因为你先爱我。


Humhum. Oh well. :) I still don't know what to do, but things will turn out alright.


Aron, Rish, Himi. I love you guys. :)

Thanks for being there, to berate me, give frank remarks about me being right/wrong, and not try to advice me on what to do.


Aron, for being the cynic you are... but yes, you know the best ways to make me either very happy or very annoyed. Guess sixteen year olds are predictable eh? Thanks anyway hon, for listening even though you absolutely abhor my whining. I'd look out for cars. Really.

Rish, for all our crappy philosophies on Life, the Universe and Everything. (Lol. Watched Hitchhiker's with them again today. So funneh!!! XP)


Himi. Mana. Chibby. Am glad the Inc was more or less in togetherness today. Am happy, little things are happifying.


Oh well, other than that, its just been an eventful day filled with many happenings and a lot of wandering around listening to bad music and staring dully at passing cosplayers. Both of which fail to ignite any level of excitement in the little confines of my soul. XP


Itching to do a new layout. This one reads like a headache.
x_X

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Saturday, June 04, 2005
11:18 AM

To say I feel exasperated is an understatement.


Thankyous;

Von - for being completely logical, even though Liz isn't.
Mel - for your 'Why can't everyone just be happy?' philosophy.
HAH.


Everyone else. Because my brain isn't really working at the moment.



Reading Mrs Geh's blog is traumatic. It makes me realize how very human teachers actually are. How very much they are like us. I wish I did more. Before she left. I don't know. She's one of the few teachers who have ever meant anything to me in TK.


Somehow everything is the same, the same insecurity, the same frustration, the same hopelessness.


We are all only human, after all.

It's tricky sometimes
When you wanted to run, you'd always hide
You can't find the truth behind the lies


Today will be a good day.
Lord, as unfortunate as it is that I've dug my own pit, shot myself in the head, kicked myself in the shin and buried myself alive (aka screw up life by trying to solve problems myself), thank you that I know you are always there, waiting for me to turn to you because I'm utterly hopeless at solving problems on my own.



I think its time reset my direction. I think I'm confused. On one hand I have the advice of sensible people. On the other hand I know that by doing things out of my own effort, I'm rejecting God in the matter.

And I keep screwing things up. All I've been doing for the past few months is screwing everything up. So I don't know what to do anymore. Good intentions do not always necessarily reap good outcomes.

I think Liz should stop trying to solve things because all she does is 越帮越忙. Lol.

There are words caught in my throat. (Gollum, gollum. =X)
Haha. I don't ever want to have to take life seriously.
Honestly, that takes the fun out out of everything.


Take life with a pinch of salt. And occasionally, with a little pepper.
All the world's a stage. And the men and women merely players.

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12:08 AM

Sigh. Tell Mom I wanna play pool and I've gotta learn to expect that she'd bring me and sis to a place like China One or something. In Clarke Quay.


Liz has decided she doesn't like loud music. Boistrous men. And bright flashing lights. And since that was a decidedly mild taste of the scene, Lizz doesn't think she's going to like anymore of it. *squints tiredly*


Its alright Aron, that'd save you the trouble of bothering to bring me to one when I'm... "older".

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Friday, June 03, 2005
8:49 PM

Alright. Blogger's down (or at least, being most unfriendly at the moment) so I'm actually posting this directly onto blank-space.net through the online control panel.


4/6 gathering today. Sixteen people turned up. Well at least, I'm glad there were still 16 of us to turn up. Had fun eating Seoul Garden. Then finally accomplished the 'mission' to get Jo her birthday sweater.. Lol. Yayness. I luv my classmates. It was a pity the rest, as well as Mr. Ang and Ms. Lui couldn't join us.


On to more.. pressing issues. I sincerely apologize to my classmates if I've been a little 'off' lately. If you find that I my behaviour or the words that part my lips have been a little odd and perhaps slightly uncharacteristic of me, I'm sorry.


The following is optional reading, in fact I suggest you not read it unless you're capable of taking everything with a pinch of salt. If you read it, don't judge. Because I didn't post to hear anyone's snarky comments on my life, the universe and everything. Zark. Hehe.


I wish I could say that the happenings of recent months haven't been affecting me, but even someone as skilled as me in ignoring everything I don't want to see will sometime have to face the fact that I cannot be running away forever.


So yes, I am going through a rather rough patch at the moment. So I apologize for any inconvenience that this may cause, but don't worry. I know all things happen for a reason, and perhaps I've been screwing around so much trying to solve the problems on my own that I haven't given God the chance to sort things out. Sooo.. Do keep me in your prayers, because God knows how miserable I've been feeling this week.


Anyway.. Don't ask me questions like 'Are you okay?' with that odd, wavery looks on your faces because the answer to that would probably run along the lines of 'No I'm not okay, but things are going to be okay, you'd see.' I'm not saying that things wouldn't get worse before they get better. Hell. I'm sorry for bringing this up, no offence to anyone and especially not to Ter (Whom I doubt has time to read my blog anymore anyway), but we took nearly 2 years to properly settle into this mundane routine of being peaceably at terms with each other. Those two years were hell for me, I probably made it hell for him too. I'm sorry hon. I was having a hard time growing up. Teenage angst was a difficult issue to handle. And I'm sorry for having put you through all that crap expecting you to be there for me all the time when I knew very well that you couldn't.


Sorry for being a selfish git, and probably being the worst excuse for a gf you could have nightmared for. XP I was young (still am), you were young (not so anymore!) and we made mistakes. I'm just glad we've finally settled at a juncture where we can call our connections to each other completely platonic. Even if I've probably scarred you for life.


Oh well. You live and learn. I suppose.
I've spent my entire week in perpetual fear. Something I'm not used to feeling. Something I don't want to feel. I keep praying. I keep telling myself that God is in control, that everything will be okay. But I can't stop shaking. And I can't stop hurting. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Hah. I'm a writer. Words hurt the most.


I think I've hurt people enough, just by existing in their lives. By the actions I do, by the words I've said.
It's difficult.
To be yourself. It's difficult to meet up to somebody else's expectations. I mean, I've never had to meet up to anyone's except my own. My parents never asked for anything, not even good grades. The only thing Mom has ever wanted was a neat table and a neat bedroom. Lol.


I don't know. All I keep doing is making you angry, making you hurt. I can't take the pain away. I'm sorry. Half the time you're miserable because of me, and I can't take myself away either, unless I point a gun at my head and pull the trigger. Geez. I'm hurting real bad. And so are you. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.


If I could be the friend you wanted, I would. But I don't know how to deal with this, and all I feel is lost.


Friends... just remember me in your prayers. And don't worry. Because I'm still me. I'm still ignorant old lizzy who can be made perfectly happy by the simpliest pleasures in life, yet rendered useless by the most (un)complicated issues that she stumbles upon as she tries to seek direction facing the perils of youth.


Admit it Liz, you've still got a lot of growing up to do.

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Thursday, June 02, 2005
11:52 PM

Okay. I'm finally blogging. Have been putting it off for a while cause I've either been too sleepy or too busy. Take your pick. XP


Alrightehh. Lets start with uhm, yesterday. Where was I? ..
Oh right. TJC band concert.

Weeellll, one thing about TJ band is that they are admittably good. Technically speaking. But their repertoire was so.... unentertaining, to say the least.

Luther was good. *nods* The skit was entertainingly lame. And yupp. Overall they are a good band who probably need to do something about the choice of their pieces. Inexplicably boring.


Speaking of our little outing to VCH, why is no one saying anything about SBA's singing that is currently screeching over the frequencies of my blog? Or have all of you long tuned off to the fact that Lizzy plays an odd assortment of songs over 'ere? :P



Hmhm. Oh well. Have had a pretty trying day. Will be doing emath corrections later cause Lui wants 'em. Class gathering tomorrow. Wheeee. Bought cake. :)

In any case, I spent the whole afternoon fussing over my portfolio (which I hope the JCs will actually spare a thought for) and rushing out to take my passport photo, photocopy the necessary documents and cheonging down to TJC and VJC respectively.


Now lemme say this about the two JCs. Between the two, as much as I'd hate to admit it, TJC still leaves me with a more comfortable feel than VJ's foreboding walls and annoying members of the male species.

I must say that the people I approached at TJ were much, much more polite and definitely nicer than those two VJCian blokes who were about as helpful as a camel in the North Pole.

As such, I returned from my journey with a successful drop-off at TJC (although she did go through my records, etc and filed me under band. I'm trying as far as possible not to appeal through band. Two more years and not even an exciting repetoire to look forward to. No thanks.) and an unsuccessful one to VJC. Which caused me to be late for my Hitchhiker's date with Maiko deary.

VJ's envelope is rather rumpled at the moment. Am having second thoughts about applying at all. The nerve.



Speaking of happier things, even though I was late for our little movie outing, Hitchhiker's rocked and watching it with Mai made it even more enjoyable. Lol. The crowd was really small, but not everyone can appreciate Doug Adams' brilliant sense of humour.

MARVIN rocked. OMG. He looks like a depressed Hidamari. My love for the GPP robot has been rekindled. And oh, Mai bought me the last installment of the series for meeee!!! Happyhappy. Thank you my luvvie. Now I can finish Mostly Harmless. -grins-

Haha. Manns. Hitchhiker's is love! X)


Had Delifrance dinner/supper with her after that. Well Mai was a UWC student. (Now an SMU one.) Culture there's completely different from what is to be expected from our local schools. Lol. I'm sure I would've turned out very differently if I went there. Well. Mai is Mai, I suppose. And its not as though I'm not aware of things. I just merely choose to close an eye when I deem it necessary.

Lol. Hmm Yup. Agreed with her on quite a number of issues regarding the locally educated, but most of which would probably offend (to a certain agree) quite a large number of people and shall therefore remain unblogged. XD




Okk. Shall leave the SBA's singing on for another day. After that, change ahoy. Hopefully with a new layout. -_O


No greater love than this…
That You should lay down Your life
For someone such as me...

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Lizzy (04/02); student, teacher, saxophonist, graphic designer, writer, child of God.

Loves God, green tea frap and peanut butter cups. :D

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